Yes, and if I'm honest, it's usually the people who hurt someone I love rather than the ones who hurt me directly. I can shrug off plenty done to me personally. I've learned to let most of that go with time. But watch someone wrong my family, and something in me just doesn't soften the same way, no matter how many years pass.
Why It's Different When It's Family
There's something about watching someone you love get hurt that bypasses the usual process of forgiveness entirely.
When it happens to you, you get to decide how much weight it deserves, and you can talk yourself into letting it go
When it happens to someone you love, you're carrying their pain secondhand, and you don't get the same control over processing it
Anger on someone else's behalf often outlasts anger on your own behalf, since there's no direct resolution or apology that reaches you personally
What Makes Forgiveness Feel Impossible Here
The person who did the wrong rarely apologizes to me, since I wasn't the one they hurt, so there's no real closure to work toward
Watching a parent or sibling try to move past something quietly, without ever really healing from it, keeps the wound alive in me even after they've stopped talking about it
There's a nagging feeling that forgiving on their behalf would somehow betray what they went through, even though logically I know that's not how forgiveness actually works
The Honest Complication
I don't think I actually want to hold onto it. It doesn't protect anyone, and it definitely doesn't punish the person who did the damage, they usually don't even know I'm still angry. But letting go feels like agreeing it didn't matter, and I'm not ready to agree to that, even years later.
Where I've Landed With It
I've stopped trying to force forgiveness on a timeline. Some of it has softened naturally, mostly because the people I love have healed and moved forward themselves, and it's hard to stay angrier than the person who actually lived through it. What hasn't faded is the instinct to protect them, which I don't think I actually want to lose, even if the grudge attached to it eventually does.